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| The contents on this page has been donated by the Alumni members and their families. It is our hope that you find some humor in these jokes, and will consider donating any dog jokes, quotes or stories that may brighten someone's day. Under the Canine Humor, I cound not resist placing a few Police jokes. Since we were all Military Police Officers, before we were dog handlers, I hoped it would bring back a few memories, of the good old days... |
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{ Everything in Life | Food for Thought | Dog Proverbs | K-9 Jokes | Police Humor | Courtroom Laugh } { Northern to Southern Dog Translations | Famous Quotes} |
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ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE, 1 . IF YOU STARE AT SOMEONE LONG ENOUGH, EVENTUALLY YOU GET WHAT YOU WANT. 2 . DON'T GO OUT WITHOUT YOUR I.D. 3 . BE DIRECT WITH PEOPLE: LET THEM KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL BY PIDDLING ON THEIR SHOES. 4 . BE AWARE OF WHEN YOU HOLD YOUR TONGUE, AND WHEN TO USE IT. 5 . LEAVE ROOM IN YOUR SCHEDULE FOR A GOOD NAP. 6 . ALWAYS GIVE PEOPLE A FRIENDLY GREETING-A COLD NOSE IN THE CROTCH IS EFFECTIVE. 7 . WHEN YOU DO SOMETHING WRONG, ALWAYS TAKE RESPONSIBILITY (AS SOON AS YOU ARE DRAGGED OUT FROM UNDER THE BED.) 8 . IF IT'S' NOT WET AND SLOPPY, IT'S NOT A REAL KISS. 9 . WHEN YOU GO OUT INTO THE WORLD, REMEMBER: ALWAYS TAKE TIME OUT TO SMELL THE ROSES...AND TREES, GRASS, ROCKS, FIRE HYDRANTS............. |
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FOOD FOR THOUGHT Your as good as your dog if: you can start the day without caffeine, you can get going without pep pills, you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it, you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time, you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong, you can take criticism and blame without resentment, you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him, you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend, you can face the world without lies and deceit, you can conquer tension without medical help, you can relax without liquor, you can sleep without the aid of drugs, you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics, |
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DOG PROVERBS "Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about little puppies." -- Gene Hill "In dog years I'm dead" -- Unknown "Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear." -- Dave Barry "I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl." -- Penny Ward Moser "The dog's kennel is not the place to keep a sausage." -- Danish Proverb "Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." -- Groucho Marx. "The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or fight its enemies is lunch." -- Michael Friedman "To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." -- Aldous Huxley "A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." -- Robert Benchley "Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives." -- Sue Murphy "Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?" -- Unknown "I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers." -- Unknown "I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves." -- August Strindberg "No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." -- Fran Lebowitz "Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul- chicken, pork, half cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" -- Anne Tyler "I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." -- Rita Rudner "My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." -- Joe Weinstein "Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant." -- Unknown "If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -- James Thurber "You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets." -- Nora Ephron "Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." -- Ann Landers "Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -- Robert A. Heinlein "In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." -- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan "There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." -- Ben Williams "When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." -- Edward Abbey "Cat's Motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it." -- Unknown "Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.." -- Unknown "No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does." -- Christopher Morley "A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." -- Josh Billings "Man is a dog's idea of what God should be." -- Holbrook Jackson "The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." -- Andrew A. Rooney "He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion" -- Unknown "Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in." -- Mark Twain "I care not for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not the better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln "If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." -- Unknown "If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man." -- Mark Twain "Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane." -- Smiley Blanton "I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts." -- John Steinbeck
"My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We
can't decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives." -- Rita Rudner |
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K-9 JOKES
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake was barking, and I
saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you gotback there?" he asked.
"It sure is", I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the
back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?" |
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POLICE HUMOR
" The handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile." |
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COURTROOM LAUGH
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial
- it went like this: |
To all you dog lovers out there
and those who understand the difference between Yankees and Southerners... A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs |
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(Yankee) German Shepherd Dog (Southern) Poh-leece Dawg. (Yankee) Poodle (Southern) Circus Dawg. (Yankee) St. Bernard (Southern) "Thank Gawd, Here Comes The Whiskey Dawg". (Yankee) Doberman Pinscher (Southern-2 versions) Bad Dawg, or Dobimin Pinches. (Yankee) Beagle (Southern) Rabbit Dawg. (Yankee) Rottweiler (Southern) Bad Dawg AND Mean As Heck Dawg. Good dawg to guard the still. (Yankee) Yellow Lab (Southern) Ol' Yeller Dawg. (Yankee) Black Lab (Southern) Duck fetchin' Dawg. (Yankee) Greyhound (Southern) Greased Lightnin' Dawg. (Yankee) Malinois (Southern) Another kind of Poh-leece Dawg. (Yankee) Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc. (Southern) Prize Coon Dawgs. (Yankee) Pekinese (Southern) Mop Dawg. (Yankee) Chinese Crested (Southern) Nekkid Dawg. (Yankee) Dachshund (Southern) Wienie Dawg. (Yankee) Siberian Husky (Southern) Sled-Pullin´ Dawg. (Yankee) Bouvier, Komondor (Southern) "What The Heck Kinda Dawg Is That?" (Yankee) Great Dane, Mastiff (Southern) Danged BIG Dawg. (Yankee) Any dog that raids the hen house (Southern) Egg-Suckin´ Dawg. (Yankee) Any lazy dog (Southern) Good fer nothin´ Dawg. (Yankee) Any dog that´s dead & buried & gone to Rainbow Bridge (Southern) Best danged Dawg I ever had. |
FAMOUS QUOTES
"The reason a dog has so many friends is that he
wags his tail instead of his tongue."
-Anonymous "Don't accept your dog's
admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
"If there are no dogs in
Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they "There is no psychiatrist in
the world like a puppy licking your face."
"A dog is the only thing on
earth that loves you more than he loves "The average dog is a nicer
person than the average person."
"We give dogs time we can
spare, space we can spare and love we can "Dogs love their friends and
bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who "If I have any beliefs about
immortality, it is that certain dogs I have "I wonder what goes through
his mind when he sees us peeing in his water "A dog teaches a boy
fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three "I wonder if other dogs
think poodles are members of a weird religious "Dogs need to sniff the
ground; it's how they keep abreast of current "Anybody who doesn't know
what soap tastes like never washed a dog."
"My dog is worried about the
economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. "Outside of a dog, a book is
probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, "Ever consider what they
must think of us? I mean, here we come back from "Women and cats will do as
they please, and men and dogs should relax and |
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Last Updated on 07/12/2003
By J.D.